The thoughts you keep

"I thought about you last night.

Infact I have thought about you a lot recently.

I dont know why that is, there is no special anniversary,

no strange amount of days since you departed.

I keep wondering how long it has really been.

I have stopped myself from counting, because I feel like

I dont need to know anymore and it doesnt really matter anyway.

You left a big hole in my life.

You all did.

Woah, to think of everyone who has gone from my life that I

thought would always be there.

The world will let you down, kid.

The world will kick you.

But you have to take that world in your hands, clean it a little bit

and love it all the same.

It means well, and there is a lesson in everything.

I read my diary yesterday - the chapters where you filled the pages.

There was such love and hope and innocence written in those pages,

I wonder if its only inside that I have changed.

Every day I keep on learning.."

a poetic moment

"pull back the covers and let me in,

I want to see beneath the lies.

open the night that fills this day,

I need to see past your disguise.

if love is a river then mine is dry,

just waiting for the rain.

is love is a giver then I need to take,

i have no words left to explain."

A thousand words

*ALL via little miss

The corridor

Mostly From here.

Keep walking and pick things up as you go.

Nothing too heavy, nothing too light.

Weigh each item against your soul and if it measures up, take it with you.

If it makes you weary or it loses its significance, leave it behind for someone else to find.

Dont hold on to things that cause you pain.

Let go.

Learn to let go.

It doesnt matter why something happened, it just did. It is part of life. It is in the past.

What we must do is keep walking forward.

Keep hold of only that which you need.

I was lost... and what I found.

I wasnt lost in the physical sense, but I was lost on my path in a spiritual sense. I wandered all along the canal and decided to see where the water ended up. So I walked to the end where nothing lay and then back to the start again, stopping along the way to sit on various benches underneath trees and to feel leaves etc. I ended up at the ocean. Then I followed the wall and danced upon it like a child again. Suddenly I stopped to listen to the ocean and look at the view and when I looked down I saw what is in the photo below. It gave me strength and made me think that maybe I am on the right path afterall. These are the kind of signs that I look for... and I have been lucky to have found a few lately.

I just need to believe...

This and that..

What a beautiful photo! It's only a shame that I couldnt find you a bigger version of it. So, its less than a week til christmas and we have received lots of gifts from suppliers at work, which has been lovely. Although, with all the chocolates and food in general that we have gotten I will be surprised if I'm not a few kilos heavier in the new year. That's where the bushwalking comes in handy! Haha. So, wherever you are this christmas I hope you will be surrounded by the people you love, eating good food and sharing lots of good times and laughter.

I am going to see Wayne Brady tonight, it may be a while before I can review the gig... but I am expecting good things. Very good things. Stay tuned for details!!

Until then, be merry!! xx

2008: the year that was.

Well there are only about 16 days left of 2008, so I thought it was about time to write up my summary of the year. You all know how much I like analysis! So, here it is.

2008: the year that was.

This has been an incredible year for me. I feel like I have grown and changed so much and become more me than ever before. Some highlights:

-saw some awesome live music -including: howie day, emiliana torrini, lior, whitley, the basics, sparkadia and simon phillips.

-found new art i love by ghostpatrol & miso.

-went down the spiritual path of buddhism and recieved teachings by the dalai lama in sydney.

-welcomed some new wonderful people into my world who have made my life so fulfilling and so much fun.

-rocked at my new fashion job and took the step of living alone in my apartment closer to the city.

-went to some amazingly funny comedy fest shows and got up on stage with jason byrne.

It seems like so much longer than a year!! I am really proud of myself and how far I have come. Here's to an even better 2009!

Strange to think..

It's strange to think that there are 6 billion people in the world... and yet sometimes we feel so alone.

Inspire.

"A picture can paint a thousand words."

This is how I feel.

Officially xmas?

I used to be like you. I always complained when people spoke about putting their xmas decorations up before it even hit December! Why would people do that? I never understood.

But then something happened... I moved out on my own. I bought my first xmas tree and decorations (and inherited some old ones from home). Then my man suggested that as it is my place I could choose when to put up the tree. It took a few days but it sunk in. I could decorate!!!

And so it was that on Sunday morning we put the tree up together and sat around while the lights went off.

I felt so proud. I still do! I love my xmas tree. It reminds me of the past, the present and the future.

Christmas to me means spending time with the people who are special to you and appreciating them. Oh and good food!! Haha. I think this year is going to be very special!! It will be here before you know it.

And I really cant believe how fast this year has gone. So much has happened and it is incredible to look back and remember it all. I am really glad that things have worked out like they have. I'm interested to see where this road will take me, all I know is that I am really enjoying the ride!

I'm not who I used to be and I am not yet all that I am going to be, but that is part of life. To be able to grow and learn and change is important. Dont hold on to something that isnt right because you are scared of what will happen when you let it go. Always go for your dreams, and dream big!!

If I could go back in time a year and say anything to myself i would say this: "it will all be worth it, dont worry. It will all work out how it is supposed to and you have the strength inside to deal with whatever that may be." What would you tell yourself?

Inside my mind.

It's a scary place. Ya know I wish that everyone had a blog like this so I could figure out what they were thinking and the motives behind their actions/words. It's kinda strange to think that people reading this have a glimpse beneath my disguise. Or is this blog my disguise? Ha.

Anyway, back to my mind. I'm just coming to realise that I have issues. I dont think that they are new issues, its just that maybe I was blind to them before. Or maybe I didnt care. Either way, it doesnt matter now. So whats the problem? In certain areas of my life I tend to overreact at situations that arise and some may say I have a fondness for the dramatic. There isnt a problem until something hits me from left of field and attempts to change a well thought out opinion that I have on a matter. Like the simon phillips thing, for example. I dont make opinions lightly, I spend ages analysing things from every possible angle before I commit. I turn them inside out, I drop them from great height and then, just to be sure, I jump on them. If they still make sense then I adopt them as my own and add them to my collection. Naturally I just expect that most people will see how much effort went into it and how well thought out the opinions are and agree with my view. But sometimes they dont. And sometimes things happen that force me to change my opinion... and you can guarantee that once it changes it would take an earthquake to move again. However, this is where it gets interesting, I do believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Further more - if you have also put a lot of investigation into your view from various sources and as indepth as I would then I welcome discussion about it. But people who arent even open to one ounce of the possibility of change annoy me. I try not to be one of them.

At times I am fighting a battle to keep hold of my senses. As an air sign, sometimes it can get the better of me and I fly off on some adventure or on some random tangent. It all makes sense to me, but others dont understand it. I need time to withdraw and work it all out in my head. And once I do that everything is usually fine. I always need to find the reason behind things. When I cant understand where something has come from or why something happened it drives me crazy. I dont just want to see the result, I want to see what you did in the last 5 years to get to that result. I wish I had all the answers.

more about 'words'

As much as I believe in "more than words" sometimes even I have to fall back to them. As much as I rely on vibes and gut feelings and all that mystical stuff sometimes that isnt always easy to read in other people. And maybe its not so easy to read in me. Words hold a lot of power. I think that we may have given them too much power, but it is a fact that we have to deal with none-the-less. I try to think about what words I am sending out into the universe and the effect that they might have. Sometimes, admittedly, I just talk a lot of crap too. Words can bring comfort, give hope and even grow love. And yet words are dust. I'm a walking contradiction.

It seems that I have been storing words for a while now. There are things that I want to say but I never know the right time or the right words, so I just take them unsaid and store them for later. Only, so far later hasnt come. I dont think that later ever really comes. But maybe this time will be different.. I know that it feels different. Maybe I'll find some words that will be the key to unlock the unspoken. I'm working on it!

untitled

I had a thought recently. Bit of a shock really. *boom tish* But seriously though, I had several thoughts.. an indepth analysis even. The topic of my musings was the past. Not the past in general but your own individual past. The sum of everything you have been through, said and done. Everyone you have met and the people/things that changed your life. For the first time in my life I dont want to look back. I dont have to look back to know how I got to where I am. I know it instinctively. Maybe its the fact that I finally get it. I understand why I had to go through all that crap. Somehow I know that if my world hadnt been turned around so much I wouldnt be where I am. The things I did... the friendships that I thought would last forever... I see why they have all faded into dust. I know that I have to let go completely to feel this freedom. And yet I'm still not quite there, because I am hanging onto this shred of insecurity. Maybe somehow by admitting that- I am a step closer to where I want to be. Or maybe I am exactly where I am meant to be and I should focus on this very moment.

people

Sometimes people can change your life.

If you let them.

We are fooling ourselves if we think that we can do it all on our own.

We need to connect.

It is in our nature.

I did a search on 'change your life' and was amazed at just how many "self help" books claimed to be able to do so. They even set time limits! 'Change your life in 30 days!' 'Change your day in 3 cycles.' 'Change your life in 300 pages!' There are a lot of unhappy and unfulfilled people out there. More so, it seems, than ever before. How is this so? I think that we expect a lot more than our parents and grandparents ever did. And expectation isnt always a good thing. When we go from hope and dream to expect, a lot of things get lost - humanity for example. Anyway thats enough ramblings from me for now.

words

"Words should be used as tools of communication and not as a substitute for action”

"Words may show a man's wit, but actions his meaning”

"Words can make a deeper scar than silence can heal”

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that he sometimes has to eat them."

"You can speak to me of many things,

but what you show me is more valuable than your words."

"Judge a man not by his words, but by his deeds."

Slow down.

Life gets crazy sometimes. And times like those we need to stop and take a step back. To re-assess where we are going. To stop and get back to nature. Reading some of the "inspirational" stuff I tend to write now and then I was struck by two things. One is that I say "there comes a time" a lot. Two that I say "the key" a lot. In the mystical world of time there are many keys. I think I'll write a comedy song soon. All this tripod/frank woodley/david o'doherty/bill bailey stuff is rubbing off on me. And there we go, I found a tangent again.. now it's ross noble.

Anyway, I believe I intended to write a blog with the following lines in it...

:We all need encouragement and we all like to feel appreciated.

I've lost the rest of it now, but you get the drift. I think we all need to slow down and stop working so hard. Take some time off, remember what is important and dont shy away from speaking your truth. Also, dont put things off all the time. You deserve a little treat now and then. I have learnt not to deny myself because holding out and waiting for someone else to give you something - happiness included - is a big waste of time and it may never happen.

I'm also struck by all the little mind games people play. I have no time for that... unless we are talking tetris because I am a master at tetris.
Oh and strangely enough, since lotto man arrived my visitor count has jumped into the stratosphere. Thanks, mr lotto man. That's all for tonight.

And as a closing note: Russia won eurovision. It should have been Israel.