surrender

English used to be one of my best subjects at school. Not necessarily my favorite, but one that I did well in. I always loved art. With art you can be unique. Infact you are praised for being unique. You create whatever you dream and with so many mediums available the results are almost endless. English was all about analysing the written word. I do enough analysing as it is. But I shone in the creative writing department. For many years I lost myself in poetry. I would go to work full-time and in my lunch breaks I would sit at a cafe and just write. I remember once a waitress asked what I was writing about and I told her that I wrote poetry about whatever inspired me. I ended up writing a poem about the cafe and I gave it to her. It was a thankyou for the outlet and the inspiration.

Sometimes I think that I am far too dramatic for my own good. I read things into every word I hear and I am always trying to figure everyone out. I have always lived outside the box and as a result I have never quite fit in anywhere. Most of the time I wear this fact on my sleeve, but on occasion I have been known to escape back into the crowds of normality. I have always had a very strong imagination. I remember my brother and I recording ourselves putting on various voices and characters into a cassette player many times. My imagination is something that I still hold on to dearly even today. I admit that I get scared too. I still hold back sometimes because I fear what result my complete honesty may have. As knowledgeable as I may come across -I havent worked it all out either. Infact many times I think that I am way behind everyone elses progress. Then I remind myself that it's not a race and we get to where we are going when we need to. I get impatient. I remember how patient I have been and cant understand why I am still waiting. And then I retreat.

We are all tested - every single one of us. The result is how we deal with this in the long term and whether we learn the lessons we need to learn. If not then I believe we must deal with the same problems time after time until we do learn. I am in the process of gaining some great insight into one of my lessons. I have been waiting for something to happen for so long now that when it finally does I'm afraid I wont recognise it. I know that I have done all that I can and I cant push any more. The situation is out of my hands. And so I surrender it.

When I find my way, I'll take you home.